Honesty.

Honesty. It's not something we always reveal. In fact, we've been taught to conceal and disguise them. Even if we were asked for the truth, we would not share the whole truth, and fill the rest with paraphrases. We avoid at all cost to say what it is that we really feel, because if we do, we have nothing to hide, we became vulnerable. Because of this, our mind and body have been programmed to portray what society deems appropriate and acceptable. Therefore, it's very rare for us to encounter words or actions with such sincerity that it is believed to be non existent. Even the simplest truth can be hard to utter. We hide it so much that we ourselves think it's a foreign feeling whenever we found ourselves facing our truest emotions.

How many times in a day do you say "I think"? How many times in a day do you say "I feel"? What would happen, if just for a day, you let your body and heart lead the choices you make instead of your brain? Imagine the adventure awaits for you if for one day, you stop thinking about what people would say, and have the courage to do what you feel is right?

For me, the hard truth I have to face is that I feel like I have to be more selfish. I have been hiding what I truly want in life because I thought that was the only way I can eventually get what I want by compromising, and doing things half heartedly and sharing only a fraction of the truth. People have laughed at me, made me an outcast and looked down on me. If I had only knew that society will never change in my lifetime no matter where I would go, I would have had more courage to be who I truly am and to be more honest to myself. That's it, isn't it? You can lie to others, but you can' lie to yourself. Telling yourself something about you that is not true will make your body feel odd, feel sick and it feels wrong.

Someone who I love fall sick two years ago, and ever since then I have tried to incorporate my life's mission to be able to be there for her. Lately however, as wrong as it may seem, I am unhappy. Because I make my life's choices based on her needs instead of my own. I tell everyone it is because of her that I do what I do, but even as I said it, countless of times, my body tells me it's not true, my heart feels heavy with every half truths that I speak out loud. And I feel like I am falling apart. Honestly I only use that as an excuse to get out of doing what I don't want to do, and keep having my free time, which I spend only to myself.

Recently, I decided to do something about how I am feeling and it's changing my life. For the first time in my life, I did something purely for me, no compromises and no ulterior motives. It felt great. It felt right. And I feel happy, even just for awhile, I felt happy. And it was because I was honest with myself about what I want. It's not all natural yet, the feeling, because my body is getting used to letting itself be free for me to listen to what it wants. So, now, before I decide to do anything, I will stop to ask myself, why and who I am doing this for? It's working, I can feel myself undergoing a metamorphosis.

Writers of life

I imagine all of us as writers, scribbling away our life stories. There are some chapters worth telling, while other chapters are only shared with a handful of people. It's a nice thought isn't it? It makes me believe that each of us has the power to write what is to come. If only. Though it is somewhat true, once in a while, someone or something else holds the pen, once in a while as we flip though the next blank page, we found our stories have already been written. Whether it's by God or the universe or fate or what ever you believe in, sometimes we just have no control. How do we face this? Some fates are just too little to be bothered, others however can prove to be a turning point in your life. It could be an experience, a place or a person, or even chains of events that lead you to where you were destined to be. If that is the case, then we are left to wonder if anything we have written so far is actually our own control. 

I find that there is one consistant theme that plays throughout the chapters of my life, which is; struggle. I struggle to fit in, to adapt, to accept and to carry on. And I realised one thing, the reason behind all of it was and is because I am struggling alone. Though I do enjoy my solitude, it has proven time and time again that it is also a curse. Some days, I convinced myself that it doesn't matter, that I am strong enough to face life on my own. Other days, I'm so overwhelmed that I'm drowning. And the cycle continues.

So, do I believe that my life is fated to be this way forever? That I have no control over what I write in my life's story? My answer is yes, and no. If my life was chosen to carry this lonesome tone then so be it. But as long as I still have a fire inside of me, fighting to break though, then I will keep on going, I will keep writing over them until my fire dies out. It's a lesson I have yet to learn, a challenge I have to face on every chapter of my life until I do. I only pray that it will make me a better human being in the end, instead of tearing away pieces of my spirit and soul, like a book lice slowly eating my life.

A New Begining

I won't tell you who I am. But I will tell you my stories. They may be fact, they may be fiction, real or imaginary. Both are a part of me and neither can't live without the other. Life is a story's first and final draft. So welcome to my journey. Welcome to my new chapter.